Friday, May 23, 2008

In Danger

*** Read with caution between the lines - that's RP, but not the whole blog is ***

This ex-bane has recovered almost from its sentence. (Letting the RL things drift away and enjoying the RP part of it). KTI decided to hire me, somehow they thought my experience would be worth to give me a job. So I work as an operator now for Dr. Kelley. It was quite a change, to be suddenly on the other side, to be in control of banes. Of someone I was a short time ago myself.

I've been in control before, nothing really new. I hope I can be a good operator to the ones who are lucky enough to be online on the waiting list when I am around. I try to give something back I have learned. So banes of Op Lane, consider yourself lucky *smile*.

But there are these other things, these.....these things I overheard. They tell people about their 100% success rate. These guys in charge of KTI. But then, there are the rumours, that banes disappeared. I was threatend one day myself even. And the rumours about the secret labs, where they develop all these high tech things.

I know, I can not prove it, but I signed this non-disclosure agreement. And someone, someone I know, she forced me, she forced me to tell her what I know. I did not want to do it, she let me know choice *bites on her tongue*. I could not live with it. I think I build a not too bad reputation in the short time as operator. So I turn myself in to the KTI security *shivers*.

Probably they will allow me only to finish monitoring the 5 banes I have out there, KTI has too less stuff and they are bloodsuckers. After this, I don't know. I heard the SLBI may be involved now, too close connections to KTI. They look for more in my history. And we all have that dirty thing hidden... Likely I will have to go to jail. Not much I could do. I am in danger...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Day 23 - Release

My remaining time went down quietly. Still I got some more violations, actually put intentionally 3 more hours or so in. It went unnoticed as the update fell behind my release time. The timer just stopped. I go my keys back. I was still in the suit. I was still blocked. Kinda shocked.
I tried to unlock it myself with the keys I had. Immediately I got a message the suit would destroy itself after 10 seconds. I locked it again. I did not know what to do, time was up but I was still trapped. I tried the emergency procedure in the group, no operator or engineer were online. My dear friend Antoine3 Yifu at least responded. I had to cheat (is that cheating) and logged in with my alt, and I spoke to her. She tried to contact someone for me, to no avail. One more hour went by.

Finally Engineer Bluezy rezzed in front of me. And she did a small RP and finally I was out of the banesuit. After 339 long hours. I don't know if this is one of the longest banishments ever. For me it was.

The ones who followed the blog know that the second half was hell for me. Not because of being banished but the things that happend around me. I really enjoyed the peace of the beginning. But it was very disturbing towards the end.

I learned a lot about myself and to be honest, I don't want to miss the experience. It was hard, very hard. It did damage, to me and to others. I lost someone. I would not do it again this way, that long. But I had to do it for myself. It was important for me, otherwise I may have pulled the plug from SL. It was meaningful. I met a number of great people I would have otherwise never seen.

I am grateful for the experience. I thank Marine for making this all possible. I thank Sophia, Win and Bluezy to be an active part and I thank all my friends who helped me through this time, one way or the other. Sorry to all I may have hurt by disappearing.

This part of the blog ends here. Perhaps I use it for my groups of the LatexDolls and Bane Dolls. Two new groups going hand in hand for people with their kinks and hearts on the right place. I am also an Operator now. If you want to meet me, chances are you may bump into me in Zhora or in Deitide.

Hugs and Love to all,
Boy (ex B-9140)

Friday, May 9, 2008

Day 22

What a wonderful day, the 4th week has started. Some fancy network issues again. Got some spying and proximity violations for slow rezzing or god knows what. And one ex bane bumped into me in Zhora, clicked on the custodian and followed me saying the red light is off *sighs*. Thank you! Guess I will be in the 20+ hours again. Lovely.

I only hope I can get out of it this weekend. And I hope I can go out gracefully with rping out. Mitzy was unable to do it she said. I will be patient after that long time or at least I will try. It was so much, it has a strong meaning for me. Still I am scared and don't know what will happen next. I want out and I want to stay in. I know there is another life out there waiting, it will be not the one I left. But I hope at least some of my old friends are still there. Some are gone...

10 hours on the timer and I added some violations. I am scared to get out.


Thursday, May 8, 2008

Day 20 & 21

Thanks Win for your comment. I was very down. But I got some help. People talked to me, helped me. It hit me in RL. It hit me to get banned. It hit me to lose my family twice. I'm getting slowly back on track. Priorities have shifted. It is not so much time anymore on the custodian. I should be able to get out soon. Two or three more days.

I reflected a lot about myself. Good, bad, horrible things. I am no angel, I never was. I am through all levels, from being an abused slave up to M7 in LBD. I have seen all. I know all. I know how people react, behave, hurt, damage. I am done with that. Completely done. Nobody will ever hurt me again that way.

The last two days I only got my time down. Some network problems added 4x 30 mins up and a warning from my operator. But nothing serious. My custodian still hates me and rebooted a 5th or 6th or who knows how many times. I keep going, it will be soon over. Today I am at 21 days.


Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Day 19

I was crying a lot in RL. That's not a RP thing. I think I wrote that before that this is much more than a game for me. it is pretty much real. People are real. The pain is real. As is the love.
I spoke to Dolma, I was cheating. But I had to do it. We talked long. She has her heart on the right side and was virtually holding my hand so many times, calming me down and cheering me up. I hurt her to kick her from my friendslist with all the others in my despair; if that is the right word. I hurt her probably badly. I got her back as a friend and I promise to never hurt her again. I hope I can talk to Elaine too.

I try to fix my life. I try to get myself straight. To stay with the real friends I have, not the ones who pretend to. I can not trust easily anymore.

Hold it against me that I write what is important for me. Some have done that before. It is only about me. And it is about the ones I feel close to, the ones I can open myself to and the ones I love. You are part of me and I hope I can be part of you. That is all what is important. That is all what counts.

Coventina hugged me as close as she could get in an offline IM. I hope you will be there for a real hug soon. I love you!

286h done / 47h left

Monday, May 5, 2008


I had a long talk with Marine yesterday. She is concerend. Very concerend I think. She tried to help me through this, she was close to release me but I refused. She can not do anything for me. This is my own fate.

We talked about why I went into banishment, why I upped the time so much. I wanted to withdraw from it all, run away, hide. I still want and I am not getting anyhow better. I am empty. It just sucks. I was thinking about the things that happend. I am in SL for one year now and I am through so many up and downs. There are a number of people that were very important for me, people I was close to, people I loved, and people I lost.

Kamila was my first Miss, my friend, my love. We spent every day together, mostly in Deitide. I was young in SL. She opened my eyes for so many things. We were together for more than 2 months. We almost partnered. Then one day she just told me she found someone else. In SL and RL. The story was not really good. Perhaps she was afraid of getting too close. I will probably never find out. But I will always carry you in my heart. A world broke down for me. I was running around for weeks like an idiot, hanging around at BD ranch, desperate, lonely. I met a couple of wannabies, was abused by an asshole. Upside down for months.

Then one day, MissLida, I bumped into you in the little shop of kink. You were just standing there in a corner, said some nasty things to me to gain my attention. I almost burned you *smile*. Later we met, we talked and we got close to each other. I met someone else shortly before and I was not sure what to do. I decided with you for you. You became my second Mistress. But you were at the other end of the world, we did not see very often. I was exploring other things in the meantime. And I decided to become a Latex Doll. You released me as this was required. Months later, a lot of crap had happend with the dolls, I went back to you and you accepted me a second time as yours without asking questions. You will always be my Mistress, forever. Eventhough we barely have time to meet. I love you Mistress. I'm sorry if I hurt you and for all the trouble I caused.

Elaine and Dolma, you are two LD sisters precious to me. I know I did many things wrong, you were always there to try to help me, to de-escalate, to talk to people. You tried to get me back, to get that silly ban lifted. It did not work, too much hate and unforgivingness. I thank you for all what you have done for me. In the end it comes down to the one word, respect. I did a hard cut with the Latex Dolls. I kicked almost all from my friendslist and you were amongst them. I did it to get over it, not because I hated you. But I lost you as well doing so. You will always be sisters for me. I wish you all the very best and perhaps one day things may change. Perhaps a spark of hope is left.

Ingrid, you are very special to me. I don't build things but I felt very close to you, seems we are very similar. We share an unpleasant path. You said once I polarize people. So do you, love and hate, pleasure and pain. You invited me to join LBD after the three months I worked hard in Latexia. I became a Latex Bondage Doll. A new world opened for me. I was allowed to do things, to actively work for the group. I put all my energy and love in LBD, the group started really to live, with many new and old people flowing in. We got new uniforms, we got new land, we got new rules. It was hard work. Very hard work. I did not realize I hurt others by pushing to hard. To try to get things done. I was too busy to see that big drama boiling up behind my back. What happend in the end, I lost my home, LBD, and I lost you as a friend. I did not want to hurt anyone. I did not want to do any harm. I wished I could turn back the clock. LBD will always be in my heart. I love you sister.

Winter, we met in LBD, you are a great girl, you have so fantastic ideas, you do such a great work. Somehow we connected very early and we spent our time together. We did our 48h trial together in one cage, when reading the Eudeamon story. And as if it would be a coincidence, Katrina's Eudeamon has the same name as you. I became MDoll in LBD. I had thrown myself into work. I was busy and did not see my girl waiting for me. You made the new uniform and everybody got crazy about it. Nobody could wait, all were pushing you. I tried to buffer but one day it all went overboard. I was in the middle. And I lost you. I lost you for this f***ing uniform. God damn! Things went quiet. We met later again, and we are still good friends. I wish you the best of luck with Melody.

Trine, you are a very old dear friend. We had fun together like children playing with dragons, we had fun together working as dancer and escort. I shared my small home with you. All for a very long time, on and off. We met again not so a long time ago, we did something we had not done before *smile*. We knew for so long but we never thought we could be made for each other. You became my wife, I became yours. It was the happiest day of my whole SL. Perhaps we were too fast. I could not hold up with your expectations. I had too many problems on my own. We drifted apart. One day you just left me. Left in love, left in peace. To let me get my things fixed which I could not do till today. I am so sorry honey. I love you dearly. Be well and have more luck in all what you touch in the future! I do not deserve you.

Coventina, I miss you so terribly. You rescued me. You gave me hold. You protected me. You shielded me. You gave me a new home. You and Mychelle gave me a family. I was so happy and so proud, after all the months of drama behind me. I did not want to be dominant anymore, I think I failed miserably in it. I just wanted to be the little sub I am deep in my heart. I gave myself to you in LBD as SDoll. I needed a break from it all so badly. But it grew much bigger. I became your doll, your girl, for my whole second life. We spoke to MissLida and I was so happy I could have both of you, without conflict. You were my Mistress. You were my center and without you I would have possibly pulled the plug. The day I went into banishment you left me. I am still puzzled what really happend. I love you. I need you. I hope I did not lose you too, like all the others.

I could barely stand what happend the last two months. I am still hiding in my banishment. I don't know what will happen if it is finally over. Emptiness prevails, but hope dies last.


Sunday, May 4, 2008

Day 16 & 17

I'm not doing well. The last two days I felt terribly alone. Standing in my refuge, isolated more than ever. I cried. Dr. Kelley sent a note that being depressive would be normal. No doubt about it.

I can not write much here as I did not do anything. I don't want any more time for the smallest violations. Walking around would just let me in the next trap, someone bumping in me, some spying by moving the mouse, a wrong TP, so many things. I have enough of it. I don't want anymore.

I looked through some profiles, making me even more sad and feeling so very much on my own, left alone. Trine dropped from my friendslist. Trine!!! And two relationships I saw broke. I don't know if this is all still worth it.

I get suicidal. I was at the cancel account button *sighs*.

244 hours done, 83 still on the timer.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Day 15

I found a safe place, where nobody can go in. To isolate myself in my isolation. To get my time down. To not do anymore violations. Thanks sister. I was successful 3 or 4 updates. It's getting quite too much now. There is still so much time ahead and even if I let the computer idle it will take 5 full days.

I'm cheating by doing so, to be afk. I come occasionally to the maintenance as required. Look around for a short while in Zhora. Only to go back to my refuge.

I keep myself busy with other things. I updated the viewer. I read forums and blogs. Not that I would not have done that before, but now there is nothing else I could do.

I'm at 202 hours now, 125 are still on the timer. It's too much.

Some people tried to IM me, I got a present for my rezzday from my sis Ginny. I could not even take a look at it as I can't open my inventory. Coventina was online, also a IM ping. I miss you so badly. It is too much.

Marine was sick in RL too, could not come online. Now she is better but a bit handicapped herself *smile*. Guess I lost my operator.... I miss you too.

I will try to let my time run down with minimum disturbances and violations. It is way too much.

Standing in front of my beach hut I'm not allowed to enter and typing those lines...

Day 14: Rezzday

Congratulations B-9140, you survived 1 year in SL. And you have only 140 hours left on your sentence.

Besides that I updated the Cool Viewer, versions and See the link to my other blog. Have to keep myself busy with something or I get crazy.