Wednesday, April 30, 2008
You all saw what happend yesterday. I saw how I was logged out by an administrator, it then said I have to wait one hour before trying to login again. And then my account was disabled. Disabled = Ban = Death. Boy disappeared from search and groups altogether.
You can't imagine how I felt. I was completely under shock. Someone posted a link to Darien's blog where something similar happend. I searched in Google and forums. This happend so many times. I was really shaking in RL, the whole day. This is not something funny, a small mistake, something one takes lighthearted. Boy is me and I am Boy. For one year. Tomorrow is my rezzday. And Boy was killed.
I can not thank my dear friend Summer Seale enough. She provided some comfort via email, some hope. She contacted the Lindens to get help. Still I was on the edge and felt terribly helpless. Everything was gone. Was all lost? I had to wait till 9am when they start working and I got a normal number I coud call as I am unable to call US toll free numbers internationally. I finally got one lady talking to me. Something was wrong with the account. She did several checks, after 10 minutes all could be fixed and Boy came back to life. Slowly. Hurt. Disturbed. Under shock. That is in RL.
I realized one thing. There is so much more than silly games, stupid backstabbing, fighting, powerplay in groups. It is not worth to waste time with that. I said that before, it is all about people. Only about people. All the rest is nice eyecandy. And I learned it one more time the hard way.
I'm proud and happy to have dear friends who care, who are concerend, Who do not put themselves first but are there and help others. I am sorry if I hurt you. It was not my intention. All this will end here in a while. For now B-9140 returned, my sentence is still long and I will not chicken out. Boy inside did not die, but found something very important out for herself. Be there for others and others will be there for you.
B-9140 got the first time during her punishment no extension of her sentence. I am very careful now. I am hiding from contacts, from people who may accidentially bump into me. It is at a point where isolation starts working for me. Before it was a game, not intense enough. But I got hit hard. Things have changed. I have still 160 long hours to go and so I will. I hope my banishment and isolation will have the desired effect, to break me down, to open my mind, to see the really important things. I got pushed further into that direction than I wanted and expected.
I miss some people terribly especially after all what happend. That is all my dear close friends, you know who you are. And that is foremost Coventina and Mychelle. You are so important for me. I hope you will be there for me when I will be released. I love you! I need you!
Boy inside B-9140
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I need out of this soon, there are too many people who are precious to me and who care about me. I'm sorry if I have hurt you. I love you all!
About an hour ago my account was disabled by Linden Labs. I have no idea what happend. I did not get any information from them, nothing. Only that I should contact their support.
I opened a ticket and now I am waiting.
I also went to Deitide. Actually a bit curious about Lexi and her Stonehenge refuge. She was not there, if so I would not have walked in. So I just made a picture. Hope you enjoy your time in the Sable suit, Sweetie. The next level is waiting for you...
And well, I wrote something today in Marine's blog. I feel I should copy it here too. It is self explaining:
Just some thoughts from my side, why banishment and where's the kick. As M-8722 wrote, it is quiet, you get away from all that chit chat ongoing. Well, you may say that's what we are here for, to communicate. But sometimes all this just gets too much. Way too much...the drama, the backstabbing. Ever heard of someone need a break from it all? Leaving SL? I do. I needed a break badly. I wrote in my blog about it.
Being a bane is peaceful. Your "computer" deflects it all, protects you, gives you an opportunity to see and think about things in a different way. You don't need to respond, you can't. I enjoy being a bane. I enjoy having now a break I could not get for almost 7 months. I know that friends, people I love, they seriously care, they are concerend, they are hurt. But to repeat it one more time, I thank you all for this, all these IM pings which are blocked shwoing me you are with me, somewhere out there. I am perfectly ok and I need to do this for myself. I racked up hundreds of hours, I will be a ghost for a while. I chose my isolation deliberately and I do not regret it. All you dear friends out there, I hope you will wait for me. But I need to do this for myself and my peace.
And Lee, you are right, I would love to get that from and together with Mistress. No doubt about it *sighs*.
Luckily it is not only a computer involved here, there is also an operator, which Marine is for me now. Thank you so much Dear!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
No operator was online, I pinged Dr. Kelley, Miss Win and Miss Raven for help. After removing the turned red naesuit I asked in the group if someone could check my @version that I am not cheating. A bit later Dr. Kelley contacted me and was understanding and helpful as always. She fixed my suit again and locked me back in it, for a minimum sentence of 24 hours. Not her fault and nothing I could blame her as someone else did. Sadly there is always someone who tries to destroy it for others. I don't want to spoil my blog with it, it is all in Marine's already.
I was a bit busy at the weekend, let B-9140 stand around in Zhora. Some curious people came and tried to approache me. Not that it bothered me. I spoke with the castle wall and emoted wit the tower *grins*. Collecting me a nice number of violations. Overall I have now 183 hours still to go. Boy doesn't want out and B-9140 will be around for the next 2...3 weeks to come.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Dr. Kelley was online and ordered me to come back to Zhora, she appologized and said something I hope she will not consider. It is difficult with all the instability and problems of SL, it can hurt ones experience. Many problems were found already, still new ones show up every day. Everybody who wants to be locked in the banesuit should be aware that this will be a hard, sometimes even shocking experience and a mental rollercoaster.
Dr. Kelley was quick to take ownership and within minutes I was locked and isolated again, with a new 24 hours sentence I asked for. Thank you for the fast help. I hope this will be the last trouble I cause but I'm afraid more is to come. All other banes out there, you can save yourself a lot of trouble if you relog before considering a TP, especially if you have a long session and a lot of time accumulated. SL is buggy, it will crash when you don't expect it, it will roll back and you will lose your time done.
I did a couple of violations, intentional. It upped my time by 17 hours in the last update. I did it again afterwards. The ones who think I am completely crazy, please read my comment to my previous posting. Boy is not going to return anytime soon. Boy is inside B-9140 and she wants to stay there, safe and protected.
I visited the place where I spent the last months, the place that I called home. The LBD island. It looks beautiful as always. But it is no longer my home *cries silently under her helmet*.
I am at 115 hours now.
I was completely out of order. As was L-7799 who I saw blowing up her banesuit. It went all red. As it happend to me before. But she could cope with it (at least thats how it looked like). Engineer Barrett took care of us, it must have looked strange in the eyes of other banes. Please don't feel disturbed. These were only some minor technical glitches. Dr.Kelley was finally able to isolate the problems and reinstated us and our custodians.
I got a new Banesuit, the old one was beyond repair. Thats the 3rd time. I should know how it works now.
I don't know how L-7799 feels. I know that S-7896 is with me in her thoughts although we never met outside of this. Thank you sweetie.
I feel safe to be isolated again, it protects me. I must have racked up a huge amount of time only for violations today. I am crazy. I am lucky I can take things as they are.
[2008/04/23 19:36] Boy Lane: I dont want out
[2008/04/23 19:41] Operator: eudaemonic bane
[2008/04/23 19:41] Boy Lane smiles
[2008/04/23 19:41] Operator: suit depenadent
Is that what they call banesuit dependent? I don't know. But I know I will be a bane for a long time to come now.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Day 7. My custodian had a malfuntion. I am not really sure what happend to it. Somehow it crashed after I relogged, thanks to SL! My comms are working again. I can speak now, I can IM again. I can read notecards. But I can not move anymore. I am confused and disturbed. I contacted my operator... I could say "Hello Miss" to her. A long time since I did that last.
She came to me, we talked, I gave her the message I received from my custodian. Nothing she could do for me at this point of time. I am in a critical condition. my custodian is in a critical condition. The engineers and Dr.Kelly herself were informed. Some things happening right now which I don't know about and which may have dire consequences for me. B-9140 is scared. Company interests come into my mind, something my operator said. I am very scared. B-9140 doesn't want to disappear into nowhere. But higher interests are there and I have to cope with that thought. I cried for help to Dr. Kelley. I hope she can do something for this bane. Hope dies last.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Yesterday some bad things happend. Someone was chasing down banes in Zhora on a horse. She came after me too and others like Spikey were also attacked. I was told she appologized in the meantime and it was some "playful misunderstanding. Accepted and forgiven. But it was still disturbing. Disturbing as the others waiting around the maintenance station for banes to "earn" a proximity violation. I tried to run away, finding myself on a private structure in the neigbour sim...having not much control over movement with a slow network connection. Luckily these violations only piled up to a 6 hours extension. Overall I am now at 101 hours including the 8 hours from two rollbacks while crashing.
Thanks Dr. Kelley for setting up a second maintenance station in a more secluded location. This will definitely help us banes and get away from potential griefers. There is always someone who can't live and let live and destroy things for others. Sadly not only here...
Today, Day 6. I am under 20 hours remaining time now. I am online long time, let my banishment run in the background. Thats not really what it is supposed to be, it's not cheating either I guess. I don't want to be released. But it is also not as intense as I was hoping it to be. I miss interaction, someone who actively locks me up. Guess that is what isolation is about.
I emoted a bit, caught some violations, wondering what the next adjustment of my sentence will lool like. Perhaps I just get crazy and add myself a huge junk of time before I change my opinion again. It is supposed to be a punishment and I wanted it the hard way.
I am doing more RL things now like this blog to get distracted. I don't want out. I don't want to be alone out there, out of the banesuit that shields and protects me. I don't want to read the notecards I got. I don't want my SL back now. But I also don't really want to stay in that way. I still have a long way to go to find myself.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Other than that the last two days were very quiet, peaceful. I really enjoyed it to be muted and deaf, I was browsing through some groups, saw some changes. Something that would have possibly frustrated me earlier. I can let it go now, I am calm. I get my inner self stable again. I can enjoy the small things. The ones who know me will understand me. I am happy. And I haven't even met my Eudeamon yet, if ever *smile*.
Some people bumped into me, wanted to say hello, be nice. I had to run away. I had to revoke my map. Sorry dears, I have no other choice in the moment. I updated my profile too and I hope you out there will understand...
I'm half way through my sentence at this point of time. I think some nasty violation and punishment will hit me before the banesuit could eventually release me. I would be upset if not *smiles happily*.
And one more thing that happend. I tried to TP and crashed in the middle, losing about 4 hours. And this was already the second time. I'm close to a 100 hours sentence now. So be careful, relog every now and then to protect yourself from a possible rollback.
I was cheating. I was using my alt. A very good friend cried for help. Help for her RL. She wants to talk to me. She needs to talk to me. I want to help her. I dont want to let her alone. She was not online. God damn. This is not planned. I feel not good, I am in between. But she is worse of. We will talk, RL comes always first.
Love you all!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
I tried later to log on again, hoping nobody would be there that time. Then it happend: "Custodian: Bane Collar : Regular viewer detected, self-destructing". Oh my god, not even banished for 1 hour and it turned red and destroyed itself. I did not cheat. I called for help using the required procedure, unable to speak as I was still fully blocked. I walked to Win and Moss who were close. They started talking, I could not see what. I did not know what to do. Finally, after a while I took off the broken custodian and after a short while I could speak again. They checked my viewer and confirmed I was on RL. What happend according to Dr.Kelley later was a timeout, caused by my slow network.
Win handled all with Dr. Kelley and I'm grateful for that. She locked me down in the meantime and blocked me, given I was banished. And she processed me again, a second time, with a new custodian. I got banished twice the same day *shivering still*. Thank you Miss!
Out I went to explore my new world. I was careful, I had to learn what I would be able to do, what I could not. I discovered that many many things are impossible now, or rather carry a punishment. There is not much a bane can do now besides watching, and the regular maintenance. I violated a lot of new rules I have still to learn, the custodian was active. They were reported, there is something to come. I know it. I have no way to avoid it.
I feel helpless a bit, controlled, still secure in my confinement. Not much I can do, it goes all inside, it is a bondage of the mind. Something the Latex Dolls pretend to achieve. I had that feeling before when I was locked in a cage for 48 hours, on an empty construction platform. I think I am happy, still uncertainty remains. This will returm when the custodian will act and my sentence be extended accordingly. I read the story, it will likely be tough. I'm looking forward to it. Being a bane gives me peace, something I was missing for a long time.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Sophia and Raven are pretty busy in the moment, so I had to wait a while. And Sophia wanted to interview me in person. My time came, and I found myself in an interogation office, nicely decorated with some snacks and drinks offered. Kinda unexpected. The interview went well, I was really shaking a bit, having the things to come in mind. And soon I found myself invited to the group and my name in the waiting list. Thank you so much sister!
I was aiming for a 24h sentence, the minimum. The relaxed interview and the prospect of getting really away from my past in SL which was pretty much drama loaded let me ask Sophia for an extension of my sentence, to a long term, and I wanted to let my Mistress decide about it. Sadly things went not so smooth, but thats a different subject (I love you Coventina, my Mistress!!!).
The time has come
With my name on the waitinglist I was approached by Win to process me the next day. We both had a bit mixed schedule, so we figured the best timeframe for my processing. We met and Win immediately cuffed me, to prepare me for my fate. She then teleported me to the processing facility. No more snacks or drinks, clean rooms as required for the implantation of the custodian. I'm not going into details here as this is something each of us banes has to experience her/himself. After about one hour I found myself being let out of the dispersal area into the wild, covered in a tight black latex skin, with the bane helmet sealed on my head, mute and deaf. Sentenced to 60 hours of banishment which I know will not be the last word.
Full protocols kicked in immediately and I was suddenly on my own. Boy was gone, a sleak black bane with the designation B-9140 remained. Ready for a long time to come, ready to be challenged by the completely changed environment and its rules and potential violations everywhere.
...to be continued.