Monday, May 5, 2008

Emptiness

I had a long talk with Marine yesterday. She is concerend. Very concerend I think. She tried to help me through this, she was close to release me but I refused. She can not do anything for me. This is my own fate.

We talked about why I went into banishment, why I upped the time so much. I wanted to withdraw from it all, run away, hide. I still want and I am not getting anyhow better. I am empty. It just sucks. I was thinking about the things that happend. I am in SL for one year now and I am through so many up and downs. There are a number of people that were very important for me, people I was close to, people I loved, and people I lost.

Kamila was my first Miss, my friend, my love. We spent every day together, mostly in Deitide. I was young in SL. She opened my eyes for so many things. We were together for more than 2 months. We almost partnered. Then one day she just told me she found someone else. In SL and RL. The story was not really good. Perhaps she was afraid of getting too close. I will probably never find out. But I will always carry you in my heart. A world broke down for me. I was running around for weeks like an idiot, hanging around at BD ranch, desperate, lonely. I met a couple of wannabies, was abused by an asshole. Upside down for months.

Then one day, MissLida, I bumped into you in the little shop of kink. You were just standing there in a corner, said some nasty things to me to gain my attention. I almost burned you *smile*. Later we met, we talked and we got close to each other. I met someone else shortly before and I was not sure what to do. I decided with you for you. You became my second Mistress. But you were at the other end of the world, we did not see very often. I was exploring other things in the meantime. And I decided to become a Latex Doll. You released me as this was required. Months later, a lot of crap had happend with the dolls, I went back to you and you accepted me a second time as yours without asking questions. You will always be my Mistress, forever. Eventhough we barely have time to meet. I love you Mistress. I'm sorry if I hurt you and for all the trouble I caused.

Elaine and Dolma, you are two LD sisters precious to me. I know I did many things wrong, you were always there to try to help me, to de-escalate, to talk to people. You tried to get me back, to get that silly ban lifted. It did not work, too much hate and unforgivingness. I thank you for all what you have done for me. In the end it comes down to the one word, respect. I did a hard cut with the Latex Dolls. I kicked almost all from my friendslist and you were amongst them. I did it to get over it, not because I hated you. But I lost you as well doing so. You will always be sisters for me. I wish you all the very best and perhaps one day things may change. Perhaps a spark of hope is left.

Ingrid, you are very special to me. I don't build things but I felt very close to you, seems we are very similar. We share an unpleasant path. You said once I polarize people. So do you, love and hate, pleasure and pain. You invited me to join LBD after the three months I worked hard in Latexia. I became a Latex Bondage Doll. A new world opened for me. I was allowed to do things, to actively work for the group. I put all my energy and love in LBD, the group started really to live, with many new and old people flowing in. We got new uniforms, we got new land, we got new rules. It was hard work. Very hard work. I did not realize I hurt others by pushing to hard. To try to get things done. I was too busy to see that big drama boiling up behind my back. What happend in the end, I lost my home, LBD, and I lost you as a friend. I did not want to hurt anyone. I did not want to do any harm. I wished I could turn back the clock. LBD will always be in my heart. I love you sister.

Winter, we met in LBD, you are a great girl, you have so fantastic ideas, you do such a great work. Somehow we connected very early and we spent our time together. We did our 48h trial together in one cage, when reading the Eudeamon story. And as if it would be a coincidence, Katrina's Eudeamon has the same name as you. I became MDoll in LBD. I had thrown myself into work. I was busy and did not see my girl waiting for me. You made the new uniform and everybody got crazy about it. Nobody could wait, all were pushing you. I tried to buffer but one day it all went overboard. I was in the middle. And I lost you. I lost you for this f***ing uniform. God damn! Things went quiet. We met later again, and we are still good friends. I wish you the best of luck with Melody.

Trine, you are a very old dear friend. We had fun together like children playing with dragons, we had fun together working as dancer and escort. I shared my small home with you. All for a very long time, on and off. We met again not so a long time ago, we did something we had not done before *smile*. We knew for so long but we never thought we could be made for each other. You became my wife, I became yours. It was the happiest day of my whole SL. Perhaps we were too fast. I could not hold up with your expectations. I had too many problems on my own. We drifted apart. One day you just left me. Left in love, left in peace. To let me get my things fixed which I could not do till today. I am so sorry honey. I love you dearly. Be well and have more luck in all what you touch in the future! I do not deserve you.

Coventina, I miss you so terribly. You rescued me. You gave me hold. You protected me. You shielded me. You gave me a new home. You and Mychelle gave me a family. I was so happy and so proud, after all the months of drama behind me. I did not want to be dominant anymore, I think I failed miserably in it. I just wanted to be the little sub I am deep in my heart. I gave myself to you in LBD as SDoll. I needed a break from it all so badly. But it grew much bigger. I became your doll, your girl, for my whole second life. We spoke to MissLida and I was so happy I could have both of you, without conflict. You were my Mistress. You were my center and without you I would have possibly pulled the plug. The day I went into banishment you left me. I am still puzzled what really happend. I love you. I need you. I hope I did not lose you too, like all the others.

I could barely stand what happend the last two months. I am still hiding in my banishment. I don't know what will happen if it is finally over. Emptiness prevails, but hope dies last.

Boy

3 comments:

Mitzy said...

Boy,

As I read that I could feel some of your pain, but not all of it I am sure.

I know the feelings your talking about, I think anyone who is in banishment for a long period (and takes it seriously) feels them.

I know I did, my final 60 hours I spent in a safe place, only leaving for servicing.

I hated it, and loved it. It allowed me to look deep inside, some of what I saw scared me, some was wonderful, and in the end it changed me, as I think it is you.

I have a new found appreciation for the things I have and those I hold close.

I know when my time was up I just wanted out, I needed out. I wanted to RP the end but I just couldn't wait.

Once out it did take a few days for things to seem right, be aware of that. I didn't go inside much, was afraid to cam, avoided most people.

In time those feels do relent though.

You can do it, not that long to go, and then your free and we might actually get to speak face to face.

Mitzy
(aka M-8722)

TRine said...

I love you always my sweet boy ...I will always bee here for you ..always ...

Never forget me as I will never forget you.

My love

Kaalos said...

As a neutral observer there are some very curious progressions and connections you seem to have made as Bane. Are you still lost in side what you last called your “uniform” I wonder? It did not see you were eligible to escape its passionate grasp for you. This might be what you’ve wanted all along. So many lives that have crossed your path and still, even when the opportunities presented themselves you either sacrificed your self to a longer lock down to prevent anyone from taking your androgens indistinct safety and beauty and exposing the face of someone you never wanted to be or once shed of the thing, you bent to the pressures of being Bane forever even without understanding that people come and go. The fact that they may have set your timer and your freedom so far out of reach that you may never see it again is of little consequence to you.

You are not hiding in your banishment, you are screaming silently out loud that you have found your mistress and her name is Bane. All your screaming will not temp her to release you or your mind from the obsession.

She is Bane and she owns you body AND soul.

neutral observer