Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Day 5 & 6

It's going to be lonely. I miss my friends and more than this I miss Coventina. But she is not in SL anyway. Not much I can do *sighs*. I get everyday a lot of IM pings from the ones who care about me, trying to see if I am out of banishment. But that wont happen soon. I don't want out of it. Still I understand how you feel, I know you are with me and care. Thank you. I am fine.

Yesterday some bad things happend. Someone was chasing down banes in Zhora on a horse. She came after me too and others like Spikey were also attacked. I was told she appologized in the meantime and it was some "playful misunderstanding. Accepted and forgiven. But it was still disturbing. Disturbing as the others waiting around the maintenance station for banes to "earn" a proximity violation. I tried to run away, finding myself on a private structure in the neigbour sim...having not much control over movement with a slow network connection. Luckily these violations only piled up to a 6 hours extension. Overall I am now at 101 hours including the 8 hours from two rollbacks while crashing.

Thanks Dr. Kelley for setting up a second maintenance station in a more secluded location. This will definitely help us banes and get away from potential griefers. There is always someone who can't live and let live and destroy things for others. Sadly not only here...


Today, Day 6. I am under 20 hours remaining time now. I am online long time, let my banishment run in the background. Thats not really what it is supposed to be, it's not cheating either I guess. I don't want to be released. But it is also not as intense as I was hoping it to be. I miss interaction, someone who actively locks me up. Guess that is what isolation is about.

I emoted a bit, caught some violations, wondering what the next adjustment of my sentence will lool like. Perhaps I just get crazy and add myself a huge junk of time before I change my opinion again. It is supposed to be a punishment and I wanted it the hard way.

I am doing more RL things now like this blog to get distracted. I don't want out. I don't want to be alone out there, out of the banesuit that shields and protects me. I don't want to read the notecards I got. I don't want my SL back now. But I also don't really want to stay in that way. I still have a long way to go to find myself.

1 comment:

Katie said...

Hun,

I feel like isolation as a path to self-knowledge and peace is a dead end. What I can recommend is what I did... don't isolate yourself from the world, step out fully into it. I recommend taking a vacation from all of your group requirements and just being a person in Second Life without all this banishment-rubber doll-mistress-slave-pony stuff. I think we in a lot of cases lard our second lives up with so many things that we've wanted to experiment up with in real life only to find out that the combination of everything is less satisfying than we thought it would be.

I'm having more fun and feeling more alive in SL the last few days than I have in a long time. Abandoning my group requirements and letting myself just BE has allowed me to do things that wouldn't have been possible a month ago.

I feel more calmness and serenity now, and I think that's really what it sounds like you're after. I know I was in crisis before and I'm so grateful for you responding to that. Now, I'm feeling myself out, feeling who I really am and... I feel good. I feel peace.

I know you can get through this.

Love,
Katie